20something

I spoke with Max some days ago. Or maybe it was weeks. I’m not really sure. The passage of time hasn’t felt real in years. Or maybe months. All I know is that yesterday I was 22 with nothing but promise and ambition and dreams and bright eyes. And today I’m 2 months shy of 27 and I feel like I’m starting over and I feel like I failed myself and I feel like I’m trapped in a choice I made 4 years ago and I hate it. And some time between today and yesterday I was 25 graduating with my master’s degree. And I was 25 and in love. And then I was 25 and brokenhearted. And then I was 26 and angry. And now I’m 26 and fucking scared. Oh my God, am I scared. Because where is the time going? And where am I going? And what happens next? And is this the rest of my life? Days turning into weeks, months, years, decades?

I dreamt of when I was 12 and angry. And then 16 and depressed. And I think of how I used to sit in my high school religion classes and write poems and songs instead of notes. And maybe if I had paid attention in religion class, I wouldn’t feel so far from God right now. I spoke with my mom the other day. Or last weekend. I don’t know. And she told me that I just need to trust God. That He’ll clear a path for me. And I can’t help but ask where He’s been for the last 20something years and why would He choose to clear a path for me now? And what if I traversed past the path He had cleared for me? And have I let the version of myself that used to dream without the weight of life and reality down?

Today I am 26 and I don’t know what comes next. I’m 26 and I can’t help but feel like I fell into what felt safe and secure and easy. And now I’m too scared to leave that safety and security and ease. Today I am 26 and thinking about the dreams I had as an 18 year old. How I used to get in fights with my dad on the way home from school because I wanted to be a musician. I wanted to create for a living. And now I’m a teacher. And I love the kids, I really do. But I’m exhausted. And I know that means I need to leave. But I’d feel so guilty. And if I leave now, what was the point of uprooting my life to do all of this?

Today I’m 26 and I don’t know what I want to do. And when I sit and envision a future where I am happy, I know exactly what I’m not doing and nothing about what I am doing. Today I’m 26 and wondering when it was that I lost myself. And where must I go to find her again? Today I’m 26 and realizing that I haven’t felt much like myself for some years now. But I’m not really sure what it feels like to feel like myself anymore. Today I am 26 and I’m watching the world fall apart. Today I’m 26 and I’m wondering how I could even begin to plan a future that feels so uncertain and so distant. Today I’m 26 and I feel lost. Today I’m 26 and tomorrow I will be 27 and the day after that 28 and then one day I won’t be anything at all. And I just pray that some time before now and then I will find the path that God was supposed to have cleared for me.