A Lady’s Guide on Enduring Existence

On occasion, it feels as though my mind is trying to kill me. It’s as though she’s trying to suffocate me like an overbearing mother. She burdens me with etiquette regarding how not to be a burden—the conventions of appearing normal, well-adjusted. Happy, even.

Her instructions go as follows:

Step One. Refrain from appearing too present. Do not linger around people or places for too long, lest you grow an attachment or fondness and burden them with your affections. Your demeanor should be that of an apparition—easy to ignore, easy to abandon, and—above all—silent.

Step Two. Prioritize your beauty, for that is the most valuable part of you. Keep a pleasant smile on your face. And, if ever you choose to perish, make it beautiful—graceful, even.

Step Three. If ever one sees you and chooses to approach you with pleasantries such as, “How are you?” or “How have you been?” do not give cause for concern. Always respond with a terse, yet polite “Fine” or “Well”. Refrain from providing details. Don’t forget to smile.