Four Souls.
Written on November 14, 2020
There are four souls whom I have chosen to leave behind in the past two years. Four souls who I considered friends. Four souls who violated my trust, my body, my space, my peace. I have experienced four separate heartbreaks and have felt the physical manifestations of every one. I have cried until my tears could not flow anymore. My chest has ached from four prying hands pulling my ribcage apart in order to grab hold of pieces of my still-beating heart that these souls felt belonged to them. I loved those four souls through all of that pain; my blood still on their hands — running down their arms — and I wanted nothing more than to intertwine my fingers with theirs. But my love learned limits. It was not boundless, it had walls. I tried to break them down to love these four souls all the more, but the walls would build themselves up again, higher than they were before.
Two of these souls called out to me. I had gone a year without thinking of them, speaking to or about them, and — out of nowhere — they popped back into my life.
“I just wanted to apologize...”
“I hate the thought of someone carrying ill-will towards me...”
A year ago words like these would have brought comfort, closure, solace. A year ago these words would have been met with open arms, a welcoming hug, a space within the walls where my love exists. I would have washed my blood off of their hands and anointed them with a sweet perfume like Mary Magdalene at Christ’s feet.
But in this year of solitude and forced self-care, I have learned to respect the boundaries of my love. I have reclaimed the parts of this heart that were stolen from me. To carry a grudge or ill-will towards these souls would be an insult to my dignity and would stand in direct opposition of the protective walls I have built around me. It would allow these souls space that they do not deserve — that they haven’t earned. These souls have violated my trust, my space, and my peace enough. So I am letting them go. Their sins? Forgiven. They have been left behind, washed away by the tides of my grace.
But this love still has limits. It is not boundless. And that’s okay.