Four Words

Always be my home.

Me and Mom circa 2005

I think often
Of the night
I crawled into your bed.
I was all of twenty-five
Hurting more than ever
And just needing
To be held.
I shuffled across your home
Knocked on your door
And said four words:
I can’t do this.
And suddenly,
I was six again
Waking up from a bad dream
Needing the warmth
Of my mother.
And I wonder
How much it hurt
Already reeling
From the loss of your mother
And watching your daughter
Fade away.
Watching your daughter
Drift further and further.
Was it fear that you felt?
Or helplessness?
Sitting on the phone
And listening to my cries
Knowing I was one thousand miles
From your embrace
And one thousand miles
From myself.
I think often
Of the day it ended.
And I called you.
Couldn’t even get the words out.
And you said four words:
Just let it out.
And I wept.
And you sat
On the other side of the line.
And listened.
Embraced me
The only way you could
With the quiet understanding of a mother.
And I wonder
If your mother
Did that for you, too
Sat with you
In your sorrow
Listened to your tears
Over the phone
On those nights
She could not hold you.
Those nights
Where you were so far
From her embrace
From yourself.
God,
It must have hurt
To know
You could not save your daughter
To have to trust
That I would save myself
To pray
That sitting with me
In my sorrow
Would be enough
For me to choose
To save myself
That your quiet understanding
Might serve as a map
To guide me home.
And to do all of that
Without your mother.
Look death in the eye
And pray 
It does not touch your daughter
Not yet.
Not before you.
Please know
That your pain was not in vain.
For it was your prayers
That lit my darkest nights.
And your quiet understanding
That warmed my coldest winters.
Please know
I felt your embrace
From one thousand miles away.
And that night I crawled in your bed
Was the closest to myself
I have ever been
Because,
No matter the hardship,
And no matter the pain,
No matter how far I might stray
From you
Or myself
I will always be
My mother’s daughter
And my mother
Will always be
My home.