So Special

And other lies he told me.

And then one day summer was over. And I’m sitting in my living room—the one you’ve never sat in—and I hate you. And every now and again I feel bad for you because I’ve never met a man less capable of taking care of himself. And I can’t help but wonder how I ever looked at you and saw someone who could take care of me. And I hate you again because you had the audacity to say I couldn’t take care of myself. When that’s all I’ve ever done. Take care of myself. Take care of everyone around me. Not ask for help. Drown before I ask for a lifejacket.

And then I feel bad for that girl. I bet she feels so special. She met your family over Thanksgiving, right? Does she know what happens next? Does she know she’s just a notch on your bedpost? Does she know that I used to be her? And I was just the girl that came before me? And she was just the girl that came before her? And we are all just different versions of each other—a testament to yourself that you’re capable? That you have a heart? That you’re able to give to someone who is not yourself?

But then, one day, you realize you can’t. And one day, you’re telling the girl that loves you that you feel like an emotional crutch. And then you’re telling the next girl that the girl who preceded her used you as some crutch. That she couldn’t manage her emotions. That she couldn’t take care of herself. And now the new girl feels so special.

And she’ll meet your family and won’t notice the knowing glances they exchange because she’s just another girl in a long line of girlfriends you’ve brought home and they never saw again. And your parents will tell you that it’s time to settle down.

And you’ll take it out on the new girl. You’ll tell her she’s moving things too fast. But it was you who brought up marriage and kids and moving in together. It was you who painted a future for her. She never asked for any of that. She never wanted any of that before you made it seem like a possibility.

And then one day summer will be over. And she’ll be sitting in her living room. And she’ll look you up on Instagram. And she’ll see you doing everything she asked you to do for her for some new girl. And that new girl will feel so special. And she’ll realize that she was never anything or anyone to you. And all those memories you made with her were memories some other girl had asked you to make. And this new girl will be none the wiser that she is living the dreams of the girl who came before her.

And she’ll feel so, so special. And you won’t feel anything at all.