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Monday

I ask Source about him every day. Somehow it feels intrusive, but it’s the only way to ease my spirit and convince myself that he’s somewhere out in the world safe and healthy. In so many ways, he feels like an extension of myself. When we’re not in touch, there’s a little part of myself that feels hollow. I suppose he really has made a home in my heart after all these years.

His girlfriend or ex-girlfriend (the status of their relationship is unclear, though the last time we spoke it seemed to be on the rocks) stalked my Instagram not too long ago. For the second time (or at least the second time I caught her). I blocked her. Keeping my energy safe and clear and whatnot.

I try not to be jealous of her—karma and all that. Not to mention he said he “has love for her” but he doesn’t “like her” when we spoke nine months ago. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. He’s a mess. I guess I envy her access to him; they practically live next door to each other.

I always wondered why he seems to always date women he doesn’t like. Of all his girlfriends, there was only one he spoke of somewhat fondly. I’m not sure why I think it’d be any different with me—delusion, I suppose. He’d probably find something he hates about me, too. Then vent about it to some other female friend who I would hate. A sick, deprived cycle.

I can’t say I don’t understand why all his girlfriends seem to hate me. He’s open with me in a way I know he isn’t with them. I’m sure they sense it. I keep his secrets. Not because I think they deserve to be kept, but because I want him to grow out of his fear of being the bad guy in someone else’s story. I know. I shouldn’t therapize a man, but—God—will I try.

Tuesday

I’m going to the doctor today. My first physical since 2023. It’s sobering to see all the ways I’ve been neglecting myself. For two years, I was unable to keep a clean apartment. I barely kept up with routine appointments. I couldn’t bring myself to workout consistently. I was never getting enough sleep. I never drank enough water. I barely cooked for myself. The list goes on and on.

I didn’t realize until I was out of that space, but I was really depressed. I was in a beautiful, albeit stressful at times (especially at the very beginning and definitely towards the end), relationship. But some part of me was still empty. Some part of me was not being nurtured. Now, I have the opportunity to change that.

I’ve never felt so in tune with myself—spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Last week, I was feeling off. My appetite was irregular, I wasn’t sleeping through the night. Something was happening within me and I could sense it was spiritual. I immediately got to work. I wiped down my apartment with agua de florida. I hung my mal de ojo in the living room facing east. I took a spiritual bath. I prayed while looking in the mirror. I spritzed myself and my pillow with agua de florida before getting in bed. And, for the first time in days, I slept through the night. I ate well the next day. I received good news. I felt… lighter. Refreshed, even. The heaviness I felt in my space and my spirit had lifted. I haven’t felt it since. Perhaps this is what I had been missing all along.

Wednesday

I woke up at nine today. A whopping ten hours of (mostly) uninterrupted sleep. I have never felt this peaceful, this whole, and this happy. I prayed yesterday, and Source told me I have everything I need within me. I finally believe it.

Thursday

I’ve been reflecting on my Saturn return. This transit has such a negative connotation, I was nervous at first. This has, however, been among the most transformative couple of months in my life. Certainly in the past five years.

I talked to my therapist about it: how much introspection and reflection I’ve been doing. How I’ve reached a point where I am not only at peace with, but grateful for all that has transpired in the past year.

As easy as it would be to point the finger at someone else and exist in a perpetual state of victimhood, it feels so much better to just be grateful for the lessons learned. To look back and see the value in every interaction, every experience.

I finally feel happy and whole. This is the version of myself I’ve been searching for all along. I’m so happy I found her.

Friday

I wrote a poem. About who, I am not sure. Perhaps no one. Perhaps someone. I really don’t know. Or perhaps I am choosing not to know.